Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Guess what? Nero's back. He came back last night... Then left about an hour later to go hang out with his brother and cook thanksgiving dinner with his Mom. So, yeah... He called and invited me to eat Thanksgiving dinner with him and his mom and brother, Alex. I took a long shower and got more fancy than I ever did before in my life. :)
I'll update when I get back. Later~!

Miko's Christmas Bonus

One of my best friends, Ray (The ex-boyfriend of James. The one that's getting married soon.) came into a lot of money recently. A couple thousand dollars. O_o You know how it seems that friends never seem to remember all the things you do for them when the money's gone? Well...Ray is completely different! He's giving me and my sister a Nintendo Wii (I needed a new one. Mine will only play Gamecube games. -_-), a mini laptop, $1,000, and basically getting all the big stuff out of the way for Christmas presents. He's getting Yugi and Angel a white DSi, Bryan a blue one and Nero a new red one. That way, I can use my money all on myself and everyone will still be happy. Ray's a great friend. I would do the same for all of my friends, though. As long as they were really my friends...

I applied to Game Stop yesterday. I really hope I get the job. That money's gonna run out sometime. ^_^

Change of Heart???

It's a little unnatural and creepy. Nero is calling everyday and writing emails to me more. What's scary about it is he NEVER calls. Literally. I can barely call him. He's always too busy. And now he's calling everyday? Telling me he loves me and pretending nothing ever happened? What the~?! Even scarier, after saying that he can't see me anymore, he's working extra hard to get money to visit on Saturday. O_o? Did I miss something here?!

Pucca's Flash Game

Pucca: Runaway

New Updates For Today

Guess what, everyone! Nivea (Real Name: Danielle) just gave birth to her baby today. I don't think I mentioned her before, but she's my best friend in the whole world. I've known her since I was 12, in 7th grade. She's been my B.F.F. through everything. I'll admit she's a bit selfish, and everyone knows she's a heartbreaker. She's been in love with me for a long time and for a while I was in love with her, too. (I didn't tell her, though) She was Nero's ex-girlfriend, until she broke his heart... She's so pretty, she always gets whoever she wants... (I'm a little jealous. Not anymore, though. 'cause I have (had) Nero.) Well, she had her at 2 A.M. It was a baby girl that she named Eve. I didn't see her yet, but apparently she's as pretty as Niv. ^_^ I'd like to see that.

My old Job Corps roommate, Angel (Aka Juri) is signing out on Saturday, sleeping all day on Sunday and coming over on Monday. I wonder how long she's gonna stay.

Well, Nero sent more emails saying that he wants me to stop jumping to conclusions, and wants everyone to leave him alone. Including me. T_T What's the matter with him?

Another pair of Job Corps friends, a Bi boy named James Haurdendorf (Cupcake) and Tanya Baker (Tani-chan) were dating for a long time and she told me last night that she's 6 weeks pregnant! O_O OMG. And they're getting married the month after the baby is born! And I am invited! (Of course, we're bffs, too.) So, yeah. That's my updates for today. Laters!

Maliko's Special Email Response

In response to the email below, I wrote this to my beloved lover-in-denial:

ATTENTION!!!!! LONG EMOTIONAL GIRLY EMAIL ALERT!
(Keep this email and read it anytime you have any doubts)


Nero, I don't wanna bother you...But I wanted to let you know something.
I know that it's pretty much second nature for you to go alone when the going gets tough. Believe me, I remember all the times you stood me up in rain or shine, but you apologized to me all of those times and promised not to do it again. I always believed you, because you always said to trust you. All of those times were bearable because I always knew that you'd come back. But now... I don't know anymore and that makes it really hard. I just want you to know that all the time I spent with you has made me so much stronger and no matter what you think, I know that I can help you get through whatever it is that you're leaving for. I promised to stay by your side no matter what, and I meant it! How would you feel if I broke up with you out of the blue and said it was because I had to go alone to deal with something I didnt think you could handle? Dont try and act like you'd be okay with it because we both know you'd freak out! You'd try to help me, you'd ask questions, pry and comfort me and promise your support. And you know that's true. Leaving me here alone makes me feel worthless and weak, even if you don't mean to, which I know you don't. So please, even if you can't take me with you physically... Don't think that you have to break up with me just to do this by yourself. I mean, look at everything we've been through. We went from school, to you coming over playing Castlevania some days to you coming over watching Maury everyday to us going to Job Corps together, to us admitting our feelings for each other nearing the end of our first summer vacation (July 15th ^_^)... Through me helping you when Niv broke your heart, then you helping me when Yugi broke my heart. We said vows to each other under the stars, we help each other in the dark and promised loyalty to each other. We gave each other gifts like jewelry, poems, pictures and candy. We even told each other secrets about your life and our past that we would never tell anyone else. Emotionally, we were each others firsts, if you know what I mean. ^///^ That cold night bundled together on Christmas Eve. We love each other and you cant deny that it's more than destiny and fate that we found each other. I trust you more than anyone in the world, and I know you trust me, too. (I hope.) So, please... Nero, just look at all the things we've been through together and tell me that whatever this is that is bothering you... Tell me that your inner darkness is stronger than our love. I know it's cheesy and Tea-ish (Friendship speech alert!!!) but I'm serious. Dont write back until you give serious thought to this. When you have, then give me your answer. If you still want to leave, then I guess I can't stop you, but hopefully... My prayers haven't gone unanswered and you'll realize that no matter what happens, no matter what you do or what you say within this lifetime, I'll always love you the same, if not more. And you know me, Nero. You know this is true. I have never ever loved someone as much as I love you. I trust you to follow your heart and make the right decision, Emil. Just remember... Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality. :)
Your perfect partner,
Miko (Aka Marta)

What do you think? Was that good enough? I wonder if it'll get through to him...

Update: Email #2!!!

Nero sent me a new email!

kid it's not the emails,i just got to take care of somethings so i must go alone from this point on, and don't ever think for a second that you never made me happy, i need to confront my inner darkness before it eats me alive. i love you, but this can't be
not now, i'm not even sure i'll make it out the same way i went in, i'm sorry for making you feel this way, i never wanted to make you cry or doubt yourself,my time has come and it's now or never kid, i'll see what i can do on the weekend.
-lex crowne-

Now I dont know what to think. What's he doing?

Angel

You know, when some people read this, they tell me that I'm crazy to do all of this for a man. To feel all of these feelings for someone who obviously didn't care enough about me to stay. But they don't understand. He's my best friend. He's my sanctuary. He holds me close when I'm lonely. Tells me stories when I'm sleepy. Tucks me in and kisses me goodnight. Holds my hand when I'm scared. Makes me laugh when I'm sad. He listens to me and doesn't judge when I want to vent. He's always there for me. No matter what. He's like an angel, sent down to protect me. He'd never hurt me. Not just because he promised. Because in his mind, I'm his treasure. He'd protect me with his life and I would do the same in a heartbeat. He's never ever let me down. That's why this is so confusing... so hard to understand. Why, Nero? ...Please talk to me.

He's still in Job Corps, so I cant confront him like I want. It's a 3 hour bus ride on the $65 Greyhound bus. But someday soon... I'll make the money and visit him. Maybe for Christmas. That's all I want. To see my brother. My best friend. My guardian angel.

Grief

I chew on the sides of my fingers when I am sad. I didn't notice until I woke up and my hand was in my mouth, raw... bare and soaked with blood. Right now, 7 of my 10 fingers are bandaged up so much, I cant bend them at all. It's hard to type like this. My Mom thinks I'm trying to kill myself. That's stupid. I can't kill myself. On the inside, I'm already dead.

I think that with this one relationship, I went through all 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial— "He's probably just joking. You know him, Miko. *Giggle* He would never do this to you."
   
2. Anger — "That jerk! That stupid jerk! After all we went through together! After all I did for him, he's just abandoning me like that!? How could he?! *Cries*
3. Bargaining — "Please... Not now. At least wait until I die! Geez... Please, Nero... Don't go yet. I promise I'll make you Ramen for the next 5 weeks... Just please don't leave..."
4. Depression— "No, Mom. I'm fine. I'm not hungry. I know I didn't eat in two days. I'm not hungry. I'm fine. No, I'm not going to sleep this early. I like the lights off."
5. Acceptance — "There's nothing I can do that can change his mind. Might as well get used to it."

You know... I don't think I'm quite up to number 5 yet. I'm stuck between 4 and 3. Mostly 4. Never 2. Sometimes 1.

I think my body is trying to kill my brain. I was half asleep this morning. I remember typing this website, but somehow watching the ending to Titanic on Youtube.com. What the heck?! I still didn't cry, though. I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me.

Tears

I've always used to complain to Nero that I couldnt stop crying. When my feelings were hurt, even a little... When someone yelled at me or made me sad. Sometimes for no reason. I'm a crybaby at heart. I hated it. For that reason, I made it a point to avoid conflict. Nero tried to teach me to be stronger, but soon...Even he gave up on me. It was no use. But now, in my darkest hour, no matter how hard I try... I can't cry. I dont know if I'm still in shock or if this just triggered something inside of me, but... I cant cry. At all. For anything. Thank you, Nero. You've cured me. Now... I'm just like you.

Bars

I looked out of my barred 5th floor room window today. I felt trapped. All I heard is "I'll never leave you, Miko. I love you." I want to die.

Fateful Email

You would think that with all the days going by... It would get easier. It doesn't. I've never had my heart broken before. He was my first... And I miss him so much. You know? It makes it harder because of all the promises we made to each other. "I'll never leave you." "I love you." "I'll always be there for you." "I'll protect you... I promise." "I swear... I'll never make you cry." And it's so weird. Before all of this, we were best friends. I know him so well. We were so happy. The awkward smiles and innocent looks in his eyes. He tried to hard to be tough in front of everyone, but he wasn't. Only I know his true side. He trusted me and as far as I know, I never let him down before. So why now? Why's he doing this? He said something happened. I dont know what, but it was something...
Before all this, we told everyone that he was my adopted brother, which he kinda was before this. He lives with me, eats my food, sleeps in my bed... plays my games. ^_^ He said to me, he just wanted to be my brother again. I dont understand it. See, look. This is the email he sent to me:

look scince you haven't been emailing me back i'm gonna be real with you i've enjoyed our time together but lately i've
been thinking and i think we should go our own ways no hard feelings or nothing but when i say i love you it just dosen't feel right, nothing against you, but at this point in time i can't return those feelings
like i used to. my heart is aching right now
and i know that yours is too, i want to be your brother again, but i can't continue to be your lover, not in the state i'm in right now. i want to leave a chance of us happining again in the future and maybe there is but as it stands right now we've got to call it quits. if this message reaches you before i do just know one thing even when we're apart if you need anything anything at all contact me i'll be there no matter what, thats on my soul. like i said if you can contact me before i get to you
just know you've always got someone watching
your back. love you sis, stay safe,and remember if anything is bothering you, email me at this address this is my personal
connection-_____________- take care of yourself kid, i won't say good bye because i'll see you later.XCS

Keep in mind, this came out of the blue. No arguments or anything. I dont understand why.
I just want to get this off of my mind.

Poems from the Heart

Poetry for the Heart

Due to some recent tragic events in my life (You KNOW what I mean...) I have resorted to poetry to keep going. Here are 2 of the poems I wrote if you wanna hear it:


Would you...
By Maliko Wolfen

If I tell you I like you, would you push me away
If I tell you I love you, would you try to stay?
If I tell you I want you... what would you do
if I tell you I needed to be with you?

Would you leave me alone, or pretend to agree?
Would you be anything I asked you to be?
Would you break my heart and never see me again.
Would you buy little candies and flowers to send.
Would you tell me you need me like I need you?
Would you tell me you like me? Love or want me, too?
Would you let us be happy for the rest of our life?
Would you end it all with the blade of a knife?

If I tell you I like you, would you push me away
If I tell you I love you, would you try to stay?
If I tell you I want you... what would you do
if I tell you I needed to be with you?

The only thing I want you to do,
is let me be happy... Together with you.






Love
A sick twisted game with rules that no one follows

To win means to dominate, to conquer
To be strong for yourself and everyone else
To be on top
Everyone depends on you
You’re important…but you also usually have too much importance to carry
People cheer you on, tell you that you can do it
People have waited their whole life to see you get here
And some people don’t want to see you here
You usually want to give up… but you cant.
Not without consequences…

To lose means to submit, to follow
To depend on others and try your best to please them
To not remember the rules of love is to lose
You might still have love even after you lose
But not easily.
You are carefree, seemingly
You help the winner from the background
Not much, but you feel good for it
You encourage and cheer…sometimes, for nothing.
You want to feel important, but not win
If you win, then people will depend only on you
And you don’t know how to comfort them
So you let yourself lose
But not without consequences…

To be successful at love, someone has to win
And someone has to lose
But sometimes, it doesn’t work that way

Sometimes, both people want to win
No one depends on the other
They think it would make them weak
But then, who cheers them on?
Tells them that they love them and believe in them?
Without supporters, winners have no one to dominate
And they have no good purpose as winners

Sometimes, both people want to lose
No one wants to be responsible for the other
But that makes the other feel that they aren’t trusted
Some people are just too lazy to be a winner
They don’t want to help people with nothing to gain
Or they just want others to do things for them
But with both people just sitting around cheering for each other
Nothing gets done, and losers have no one to submit to
They have no good purpose as losers

Love is a sick game with twisted rules
That no one likes to follow

The winners never like being winners
And the losers never like to be losers
But winners are usually too cocky and prideful to be losers
And losers usually don’t have enough authority to be a winner
It’s sad, but not interchangeable.
And that’s the way it is.

Waiting...

It's 3:42 Saturday morning. Guess Nero decided against seeing me, 'cause he never showed up. What am I supposed to do now? He only uses the computer on weekdays and doesn't have a phone, so I have to wait until Monday to hear from him... So until then, his memory keeps me waiting. For what? I dont know. He's the Lord Kira to my Misa Amane. (Death Note) God, I hate love songs. They always know when NOT to show up and then do. This song is what I have on repeat now.

Japan Anime - Gravitation - Yuki's Theme (Piano)

It's not a link. Dont bother clicking it. Again, if anyone wants to hear it, my AIM screen name is KaibaGirlMaliko.

You know what makes this break-up even worse?! He changed his status to Single within an hour of telling me. I mean, I know he technically is Single now, but geez. I'm still crying like 15 minutes later and I go to Yahoo hoping for an update email or something, and all I see is "the immune alchemist updated the Relationships information in his Yahoo! Profile." Do you know how that feels? It's horrible...

When you have one thing that's going right in your life when everything else is chaos, how do you feel? ...Now tell me, how do you feel when that one thing leaves? ...I dont think I'll ever be happy again.

That's my status on AIM. If you look and still see it there, then I am still depressed. I wont take it down until I feel better.
Nero, my boyfriend for a year and 4 months just broke up with me. Over email! And I dont even know why. He's in Job Corps, so he's gone alot, but I dont mind at all. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? And last time he was here, we had fun, played games, ate chocolate and huge bowls of noodles and sang anime karaoke. We were so happy... I dont know what happened! ...He visits on some weekends. I hope that he visits today, so that I can talk to him... I'm so scared... If anyone has any advice, please reply...