Grief

I chew on the sides of my fingers when I am sad. I didn't notice until I woke up and my hand was in my mouth, raw... bare and soaked with blood. Right now, 7 of my 10 fingers are bandaged up so much, I cant bend them at all. It's hard to type like this. My Mom thinks I'm trying to kill myself. That's stupid. I can't kill myself. On the inside, I'm already dead.

I think that with this one relationship, I went through all 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial— "He's probably just joking. You know him, Miko. *Giggle* He would never do this to you."
   
2. Anger — "That jerk! That stupid jerk! After all we went through together! After all I did for him, he's just abandoning me like that!? How could he?! *Cries*
3. Bargaining — "Please... Not now. At least wait until I die! Geez... Please, Nero... Don't go yet. I promise I'll make you Ramen for the next 5 weeks... Just please don't leave..."
4. Depression— "No, Mom. I'm fine. I'm not hungry. I know I didn't eat in two days. I'm not hungry. I'm fine. No, I'm not going to sleep this early. I like the lights off."
5. Acceptance — "There's nothing I can do that can change his mind. Might as well get used to it."

You know... I don't think I'm quite up to number 5 yet. I'm stuck between 4 and 3. Mostly 4. Never 2. Sometimes 1.

I think my body is trying to kill my brain. I was half asleep this morning. I remember typing this website, but somehow watching the ending to Titanic on Youtube.com. What the heck?! I still didn't cry, though. I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me.